So I’m a small town girl. It has been my dream to live in New York. And I mean, who wouldn’t want to live here! It’s the Big Apple! The City That Never Sleeps! The Giant Overthrown Trashcan! It’s amazing.
Of course, it has its problems. The L line closure in the real future threatens the growing rat population in the subway system below Bed Stuy. And those rats got used to a certain level of comfort and an appropriate amount of fallen pizza slices! And now they’ll have to switch to the G and J and M?! Forget about it! They are moving to Astoria as soon as they finish that hole they’ve all been working on for the past infinitely long amount of time.
And the Manhattan rats have their tiny paws full, too. I mean, they just have to deal with so many people, so many rats from above 86th coming down for that chow. Can’t the true Manhattan rats just enjoy their disproportionate amount of food in peace! Even the naps in that new mattress factory don’t help, cuz they changed their room freshener to “Dusty Orange”. Ugh, everyone knows it’s “Fresh Linen” or “Cotton”!
You know who has it all? Queens rats! Them rats be sporting their sweatpants and robes to supermarket and nobody takes pictures of them on their cellphones. Even if rats don’t do that per say, they do sometimes eat whole raw onions, and that’s pretty much the equivalent. Them Queens rats say things at each other like, “Good morning”, and “I’ll have the usual.” Everybody transports their food on tiny trolleys and buys fruits for cash.
Sure, the rats have considered starting eating better, exercising, and, eventually settling down somewhere quiet in the suburbs. But hey, nothing can beat the Giant Overthrown Trashcan.